by LaVender Shedrick Williams
It’s okay if this taboo topic makes you feel uncomfortable, but it’s the unspoken reality in the lives of many single women – churched women especially.
Most women will admit to having a fantasy flash of being seductively seduced by a tall, dark and handsome suitor or maybe had a thought of being rescued and passionately kissed by a knight in shining armor. Perhaps the long, slow kiss turned into sizzling sex or being lovingly cuddled and caressed until you fall asleep. Having these thoughts doesn’t make you a bad girl, they only remind you of your human, sensual self – your womanhood. The time to be concerned is if you never experience a tingling down below or thought of having passionate sex. If you haven’t, check your pulse!
To the woman claiming she doesn’t experience these desires due to her religious practices or fervent prayers to guard her mind…Really? Be honest with yourself – you won’t go to hell for being human, and God already knows your thoughts and He created your emotional body!
But, I pray! You can quote scripture all day, be a prayer warrior, attend church every time the doors open, and be appointed and anointed, it doesn’t mean your body is dead to sexual arousal. Married, divorced, or single – your status does not change your body’s natural response. If you’re single, there may be a need to turn the heat down a notch or two, but definitely not off! Monitor what you watch on television and what you listen to on the radio. It may help…a little.
Sex is a private affair and it’s no one’s business what goes on in your bedroom, on your kitchen counter (ahem), or in your mind. Don’t be ashamed of how your body was created. If you feel ashamed or embarrassed, blame those feelings on the other woman because she’ll gladly own them.
A married woman sleeps with sex and has it at her disposal (whether she chooses to indulge or not). But what about the single woman? What about the single churched women? What do they do when the womanly organ sounds for attention? I asked a well-known evangelist (who we’ll keep anonymous), and she says, “Find a man who understands you need loving and is willing to walk you through it. Make it happen!” Wow, really? My father gave me different advice. He says, “Don’t get so dick crazy that you lose your integrity. Take care of it yourself. If you don’t know how, ask one of your girlfriends.” Okaaay, Daddy!
Single ladies the choice is yours. If you choose to pray the desire away, take a cold shower, sleep with a pillow between your legs, play with your battery operated friend, or feed your sexual desire – do you. It’s no one’s business! Allow the other woman to explore – whether with your own body or …someone else’s. Be safe. Be wise. Be you. The important thing is not to allow someone else to dictate how you live your life.
It’s always the married, churched women who tell us to wait until we’re married, or to pray about it while they go home to their husbands and have boring married sex. I wonder if they waited until they got married. Humph…I was one of those married church women. I think a particular cliché’ would be perfect right here, “You’re so Heavenly minded that you’re no earthly good.”
Brittany L Davis
“Wow, you’re waiting kind of late to get started on a family.”
“You’re getting old, when are you getting married?”
There is no set age limit to finding love and happiness. Yes, I know that limits the chances of having a child with the one that I finally find, but your rude statements aren’t helping the situation either. Trust me, these thoughts are loud and clear in my mind, I have thoughts of running out of time almost 24/7. My mind goes haywire thinking that if it hasn’t happened yet, it’s not going to happen at all which is completely ridiculous because I’m not even 30 yet.
Now let’s talk to the girlfriends of a single girl. We love hanging out with our girlfriends even if we are just sitting around doing nothing. Why? Because it makes us feel wanted and not alone. I know when you get married, engaged, or get a new boyfriend, it takes away some of your time that you would be spending with your girls. But ladies, this is vital information here, do not forget about your girls after you get married or engaged. Make sure you make time for your former friends even if it is one night a month. Don’t let them think they are no longer good enough for you now that you are working on starting your own family and life. We were friends for a reason, so don’t leave me because you got married or engaged. If I have to find new friends every time a friend got engaged, I truly will be the loneliest person on this Earth. Don’t forget to plan girls’ nights with your girls like you did in the past because being with y’all gives us something fun to look forward to and lets us get out of our own heads for a little while.
The inner thoughts of a single girl are the hardest and most dangerous place to live. I have mean thoughts towards myself running in my head each and every day. I tell myself that I am not good enough for people all the time. My thoughts tell myself on a constant, day to day basis that he is out of my league and deserves so much better than me. And I always find something about myself that I need to change to better my chances of getting someone to fall in love with me. I never go out of the house feeling that I look pretty or attractive in any way. I know that is a really sad statement to make but it’s true. It doesn’t matter how long I take to get ready or what I’m wearing, I always feel like this is as good as it’s going to get. It’s not that I don’t get compliments because I do, but I guess most of them come from ladies or much, much older gentlemen. I’m not going to lie when someone does stop me and tell me that they think I’m beautiful or whatever it may be, it really does make my day. Those sweet, simple words make me smile and forget for a minute that I am so unlovable and awkward. I think that this along with being played and hurt in the past is why I am so shy around someone if I like them. My thought process jumps straight to just don’t say anything, so they won’t know that I like them or think they are cute, so they won’t run away. It’s the thing I hate most about me and would change it in an instant if I could.
Then we have the crowd that ask me what I do to go out and find a man. I go out with my friends when we get the chance, whether it’s catching the latest movie, going shopping, or just going out to eat. Don’t tell me to go out to the bar because a guy isn’t going to come up to you when you are with your friends. I know what I do and don’t want, and I know for damn sure I don’t want a guy who is out at a bar 4 to 5 nights out of the week. Yes, it is ok to go out and have fun, but that guy at the bar 5 nights out of 7 isn’t looking for commitment. I am looking for a man who is grown and ready to settle down and start a family. I want a man who loves God more than anything else on this Earth because a true, Godly man will have patience, respect, and enough love in his heart to love every single part of me even the weird, little quirks that I wish weren’t there and the dark spots that tell me I’m not good enough.
To all of you who think that you are helping me by overly sharing the fact that I am single. I have so much more and better things to offer than just being the “single” girl.
I guess this kind of turned into a “how to” treat a single person. It’s sad that someone had to write this, but I have had every situation stated happen to me and it’s not fun. Yes, I have been single for a long time, not all by choice, but I hate feeling like the only thing some people want to talk to me about is my single life and why I’m not married. It makes me feel like there is absolutely nothing else you want to talk to me about or care about. And I’m going to be honest, I am starting to cut those people out of my life because they only remind me that my inner thoughts are right. . So until I find my man that God has handmade for me, I’m going to continue going to Church, hanging out with my friends, playing with my dog, going to Auburn games, going to the gym, and continue to pray to God every single night and praise Him for all the great things that He has blessed me with in this life so far. I have all the faith in Him that He is going to make it happen when the timing is right.