It is with tears that I share my heart with strangers and promised anonymity. The Other Woman Magazine is full of encouraging words to live freely, but free is foreign to me. I want to be free, but I don’t think I’ll ever be. The articles I’ve read in past issues may be the reality of others, but they can’t be everyone’s reality; they sure the heck aren’t mine.
I’m in an eighteen-year marriage and I want out. The ongoing quarantine has revealed that we’re sadly comfortable with extended periods of silence between us. When we do talk the topics are just general BS about family, bills, and work. There are no intimate conversations, and the only laughter is if we’re watching a television show together.
Is this what the rest of my life is? Is this how middle-aged marriage is supposed to turn out? If it is, Mother Mary help me. Maybe I’m making a big deal over nothing. If this is normal, then I guess I’m okay, but who defines normal? What makes it okay to leave? How in the heck do women just pack up and leave a marriage they’ve been in for decades?
My fear is regretting the last half of my life because I didn’t acknowledge what I’m feeling inside. That’s it, right? Live without regrets? We’re in our fifties which are supposed to be golden years. What makes them golden? I feel like I’m stuck. I’m drowning. I’m suffocated by my own life. I can’t breathe! I know marriage is about the good and the bad times until death do us part, but I feel like I’m dying of a slow death. There is so much time invested in the marriage and our families are so connected, but what about what I feel? Am I being selfish or should I be selfish for my happiness? I’ve always done what I wanted to do, but I feel like I’m looking for an escape route. I want out! I don’t have the courage to tell my husband how I really feel, so I’ll most likely just stay married and…be married.
I. AM. STUCK.
Why won’t I leave? I don’t have a reason to leave, I just don’t want to be married anymore. I want something else – not someone else, just something different for my life. I often wonder if my husband feels the same way. Probably not. Men are good for going to work and sitting in front of the TV waiting to be fed like an aminal in a zoo. Well, I don’t want to be a zoo keeper for the rest of my life. I’m not unhappy with my husband, I’m unhappy with my life. I just don’t want to be married anymore.
Maybe I just found my answer. It’s not my marriage. Maybe I should be happy regardless of my circumstances. If happiness is truly within, I’m the one who needs to find another level of water in my pool of pity. For those women looking for a man to make you happy, stop looking because you gotta make your own self happy. Marriage isn’t the answer.